I don’t get how I can be the nicest person to you and they can ruin your day and yet I’m the one who gets treated like a fucking piece of shit.
And it’s not just you. It’s the majority of people in my life it seems. Why am I taken for granted? Most of it is my own thinking but the rest seems fitting. I can step back and look at it from the distance and see if the root of the problem starts with me. I’m no saint and I know we all have a choice on how we perceive and act upon situations.
It does not help when the people you love don’t show it back. Then you start to get in that mindset of thinking that people just don’t give a shit anymore. There is not enough time in the world to sit and talk about personal issues to everyone to clear everything up. Time flies and everything changes.
We can relate to other people’s problems but it’s rare to ever be in sync with someone. To be in sync with their heart and soul. And if you ever find that, don’t let it go.
One day I will die and I will no longer be here anymore. What then? I’m still here aren’t I? All I ask is for you to show some respect and love me back and not use me like a toy and treat as if I was a stranger off the street.
And as I say these words I’m speaking to multiple people. I can’t tell you face to face right now because it takes awhile for me to cool off.
It’s just who I am. I’m a natural born deep thinker. I spend a lot of thinking inside my head. If I speak it’s only enough to get my point across. People tell me time and time again to stop dreaming and start doing and making shit happen. I’m not you. I can work on myself but I go about things differently.
If I end up never getting to the place I wanted to be a few years from now then so be it. I’ll take it. Life really does suck when it really doesn’t suck. I sit and complain in my head and make myself go crazy instead of going the easier route. Easier route for some people.
I’m just angry. And when I’m angry I blog, I draw, I write, I dance and I get sad. When I’m angry I don’t go punching holes in walls, I don’t drive my vehicle off a cliff, I don’t intentionally hurt people to get revenge. But I do get pretty hot headed. That’s why I run. Seems like the only thing to free me from the chains I create myself.
Inside my head it’s all fucked up. So many highs and so many lows. I don’t ask for a boyfriend. I don’t ask for a girlfriend. I don’t ask for a best friend at my hip. And I certainly don’t ask for shit to just be given to me that drops from the sky.
Life is fucking confusing for me right now. And because it’s my life, I’m the one who has to figure it all out. I need some help. I have to help myself first. Just feels like I get derailed when I have a very vague support system. Sometimes I want a fucking hug or just someone to listen to me. I feel like it’s always been me the one helping my friends or family. Hiding in the shadows. And they don’t even know it. Because people have their own shit to go through.
I have to fucking grab my balls and figure this all out on my own. I’m trying really hard to focus on “me”. But it’s the hardest thing for me to do. Because I care too much. Too much it’s like I’m digging my own grave. And all I ever wanted to do was do good for people in life. But I’m not doing much. I mean look…I just feel lost. And I’m not writing this for feedback or any sort of attention. I just needed to get it out.
And when I put myself in my own world away from family or friends it’s taken as me being disrespectful. But I’m not. “Why the long face?” This is just my god damn face, alright? And during the period of time I take for myself I shut myself away. Not forever, but just so I can reboot. Me feeling terrible makes my friends think that I don’t care about them anymore. But I do.
So I don’t care if you read this and judge me and dislike me just a tad bit for everything I said. This is me. You may not like it but perhaps someone else will. But if no one does..you know that’s why I have myself. Because if you lose yourself then that’s when trouble creeps in on you. So don’t lose yourself completely, remember who you are. I really have no profound quotes to put here like people usually do. I just say what I need to say.
So maybe I’m the one who sucks tit. Maybe I’m the dickhead. Maybe my friends just grew apart from me. We’re all fucked up souls. I just hope that I can find the happiness I’ve been searching for all this time. At twenty-two…that’s not so bad.
If you got your life and your body, you still have a purpose. The way I see it anyway.
My mom died when I was ten. It’s the year 2012. My friend that I loved dearly committed suicide the beginning of last year. My aunt passed away last year as well. We don’t have much time on Earth like we all expect. But I’m not sure if I believe that our futures were already written in stone. Which makes things scary but also beautiful at the same time.
I’m not afraid to die. But I do think a lot about the day coming that anyone I love could go at any minute. And I know not everyone thinks this way. And I do. And I guess that’s why I love people so much. Because why not love someone while they’re here? Give it to someone, hoping that they’d somehow give that love back. And that love can be spread throughout the world. A chain reaction.
I guess I can end it here. For now anyway.